Et Tu Desserte?

I am a dessert-a-holic.  For a long time I was in denial.  I would tell myself it was rude not to have a slice of cake during a co-worker's birthday celebration - even on days when multiple celebrations were being held because even though I had a slice of cake at the first one, the second one featured homemade cupcakes and I wouldn't want to offend the host by not taking one.  Not to have dessert at someone's wedding shower was almost equal to cursing the marriage and don't even get me started on the bad karma associated with skipping the baby shower dessert table - the evil eye stares from the soon to be Grandmothers would be enough to send even the healthiest of eaters running for the baby carriage shaped cake.  I suppose if my obsession was limited to special celebration-related desserts I would only have diagnosed myself as having a mild preoccupation with sugary confections.  Sadly my addiction progressed to having secret cookie stashes in my desk drawers (darn you Girl Scouts and your delicious Tag-Along cookie goodness) and an unhealthy draw to anything labeled red velvet.  I knew I had to take control or forever be at the mercy of the Pillsbury Fiesta Cupcake and so I devised a plan to help me not so much stay on the dessert wagon, (because lets face it giving up desserts totally was not going to happen for me) but prevent me from getting run over by it.

Looking back, I am not sure when exactly the addiction began.  As a child I don't recall being occupied with sweets but maybe that is because as a kid you really don't pay too much attention to what you are eating.  Food either tasted good or it didn't.  The stuff that tasted good you ate, the stuff that tasted like a foot you pretended to eat but actually gave to the dog.  Or in my case stared at it on my plate until it became a cold, congealed mush and my mother caved in and made me chicken nuggets.  Either way, I never recalled my consumption of desserts or the lack there of as being an issue until I actually started paying attention to what I was eating.  Suddenly, the knowledge that I shouldn't be mainlining Oreos into my system made them all the more attractive.  I began feeling an irresistible draw toward all things sweet.   And that is when the justifications started.

If you try hard enough you can justify pretty much any action.  "It was my birthday party and they went to all the trouble of buying donuts, I have to have at least one."  "Red Velvet is my absolute favorite, how can I pass that up?"  "It is the last cupcake and it looks sad - I feel bad for it so I will just eat it to make it feel better."  Somewhere in Italian lore I believe it is considered bad luck to leave one cannoli uneaten - who wants Italian bad luck - not I that is for sure.  As time marched on I did manage to wean myself off some childhood favorites - the Cinnabon cinnamon roll and Breyers Strawberry ice cream (every night) are two notables.  But those were fairly easy because Cinnabon is not all that accessible these days and buying a whole carton of ice cream for ones self is a pretty drastic and deliberate move that I have thus far been able to avoid.  My major downfall is the drive by dessertings. 

There are two types of drive by dessertings, the first type, involves peer pressure related dessertings.  There you are, sitting at your desk, innocently working on your latest assignment when the bing of a new email alerts you to the fact that the whole office will be celebrating person x's birthday at 2pm.  At this point you have a few options - skipping the whole thing would probably be the most prudent - avoid temptation entirely but in the process become the office pariah because what grouch skips a birthday party?  You can go armed with an excuse about having to leave immediately after the Happy Birthday song so as to avoid the cake passing awkwardness.  Or you can man up, go and refuse a slice and then suffer the barrage of questions as to why you don't want cake (are you watching your weight? -depending on your size this is either delivered with some sympathy or a bit of hatred because they believe you are too thin as it is; do you not like this type of cake? are you not hungry? do you not like person x?)  If you are one of those strong-willed people who can make it through the office party gauntlet undesserted then I am in awe of you.  It is a rare occasion when I can attend an office celebration and not come away with frosting on my face and a slice of regret for not having been able to stand up to dessert related peer pressure. 

The second type is worse; it is self-inflicted drive by desserting.  Here is a situation I recently faced.  I have been attending some work related training sessions - on leadership and self-discovery no less.  During these trainings we are provided with a wide variety of food types, all laid out buffet style in the back of the room.  There are scheduled breaks throughout the day during which participants are encouraged to get up, walk around, network and if you like, grab a snack.  Since we are all adults, if we are starving during a presentation we can also feel free to get up and grab a munchie.  This is where the self-inflicted desserting comes in.  In the afternoons the desserts arrive.  The catering company artfully arranges them in the back of the room - their lovely sweet aroma wafting over us as we are educated by one of the many charismatic presenters lined up for that day's training.  As soon as break is called all the women, myself included, run for the restroom.  Upon my return I make my fateful mistake.  I heard a rumor of brownies at the back of the room - brownies, much like red velvet, are a huge problem for me, I find them almost impossible to turn down.  On this day I tell myself, I am just going to take a look, I don't even want one, I am not even hungry.  And then I see them - chocolate brownies with chocolate frosting all lined up in perfect symmetrical rows.  I unconsciously grab a fork to cut one in half (see showing restraint) and I realize they do not cut in half as easily as one would think (crunchy edges - which I love even more then non-crunchy edges).  I could have walked away; I should have and would have were it not for one of my cohort members chivalrously offering a knife to aid me in the cutting process.  Clearly I was now committed.  I hack sawed my way to half a brownie and triumphantly took it back to my seat.  I am not going to lie, this was the HARDEST brownie edge I have ever chewed through (but you will notice I did chew through it) and when I was done, I sat back and took stock of what I had eaten that day.  I will not bore you with the details but I will tell you that it was not good.   It was after that brownie that I knew - I was a dessert-aholic and I needed to take control.

The first step to gaining control is acknowledging the problem.  The next step is coming up with a workable solution.  As I previously mentioned, I have no intention of giving up desserts completely.  But I would like to control them as opposed to them controlling me.  A big part of gaining that control is establishing ground rules and a reward system (a non-dessert related reward system).  Below is my dessert manifesto:

• Desserts will only be consumed during the celebration of a close friend or family member milestone (i.e. while I like my co-workers there are too many of them and they have too many birthdays so those are all out)
• Consuming desserts by ones self is strictly prohibited (it is just sad to stuff cookies into ones mouth while huddling in a dark corner of the office break room)
• Consuming desserts while in the company of ones spouse is allowed as long as the dessert is split equally

As with all new programs, a rewards system is typically useful in promoting the upholding of the ground rules.  I developed the following reward system for myself:

•  Every dessert avoided is worth one point (these would be the self inflicted drive by dessertings where you have to walk up to get one)
• Every dessert declined is worth two points (these would be the office/social drive by dessertings where the dessert is put under your nose and you decline)
• For every 5 point accumulated a small gift (i.e. nail polish, inexpensive earrings, etc.) can be purchased as a symbol of your triumph
• If I choose to, I can save up my points and for every 10 I get a slightly larger reward (manicure/ pedicure, etc.)

At this point you are probably thinking one of two things - she is brilliant and I am totally adopting this system for myself or she is a lunatic who spent way too much time trying to figure out a way to reward herself for basically not being a glutton.  Think what you want but so far I have passed on the brownies yesterday and a red velvet cupcake today - take that skeptics! 

I am not perfect and I am sure that I will have my moments where I say to heck with this I want a darn chocolate cupcake.  And I will eat it but not with the same abandon as before.  I will think long and hard about eating that cupcake before I do because I will have gained enough self-control to truly decide whether or not I want to eat it.  Desserts are not the enemy, but they are also not our friends.  We need to develop a respect for them and only then will we truly be able to enjoy them.

"A moment's insight is sometimes worth a life's experience."

-Oliver Wendell Holmes